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ParentMagic
Newsletter, Dr. Thomas W. Phelan, May 2005
 Overparenting
refers to unnecessary corrective, cautionary or disciplinary comments made
by parents to kids. These parental comments can be unnecessary for several
reasons: 1) The child already has the skill necessary to manage the
situation. 2) Even if the child doesn’t have all the necessary skills to
manage the situation, it would be preferable for the youngster to learn by
direct experience. 3) In addition to 1 or 2, the issue involved is
trivial.
The issue of
overparenting is critical for two reasons: 1) parents who overparent
usually do it repeatedly, and 2) overparenting has predictable, negative
effects on children. Kids will have several reactions to unnecessary
parental warnings and unnecessary discipline, and none of these responses
will be positive. Add these reactions up over time, and you can have a
significant negative impact on a child’s personality and self-esteem.
The first
negative reaction kids have to overparenting is anger. This is what we
call the “Anxious Parent, Angry Child” syndrome. Anxious moms and dads who
continually verbalize their worries about their kids to their kids will
inevitably irritate the youngsters. Sometimes, of course, verbalizing a
worry or concern is necessary. “Remember to look both ways before crossing
the street” said to a four-year-old who doesn’t have the skill yet, is
necessary for the child’s safety.
Overparenting
is a Put-down
It’s the
consistent and pointless repetition of worries that aggravates youngsters.
Why do kids find the repetition aggravating? In short, because it insults
them. The parent’s basic message is this: I have to worry about you so
much because you’re incompetent; there’s not much you can do on your own
without my supervision and direction. No child likes to be put down, and
overparenting is a put-down.
That point
leads us to the second negative reaction children have to unnecessary
parental interventions: the undermining of the child’s confidence. If you
grow up constantly hearing your parent’s thoughts about how you can’t
handle this and you can’t handle that you’re not going to have a very high
opinion of your own abilities. “Now don’t get too loud at the party and be
sure to take turns and remember to thank Mrs. Johnson and be nice to the
other children and...” The message as received: “You’re a social
imbecile.” Overparenting is the opposite of one of a parent’s most
fundamental jobs: fostering self-esteem by encouraging independence and
autonomy.
REMEMBER:
Parents who constantly verbalize their worries
about their
kids to their kids
unfortunately accomplish two things, both of them bad: (1) the adults
irritate their youngsters and (2) they undermine their children’s
self-esteem.
Adapted from
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Dr.
Thomas Phelan. For more information visit
www.parentmagic.com.
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