Dr. Thomas Phelan,
ParentMagic Newsletter, May 2006
Perhaps the most useful—as well as the most simple—aspect of the 1-2-3
Magic program is the use of a procedure known as counting to manage
behavior such as arguing, yelling, fighting, whining and tantrums. The
counting method has preserved the sanity of many parents and according to
those same parents, it has also saved quite a few marriages as well. Why
does counting work so well? Because the procedure minimizes (A) cognitive
confusion and (B) emotional aggravation.
 Let’s
analyze a real-life example. Imagine an eight-year-old boy asks his mother
for a small bag of potato chips right before dinner. Here’s the sequence:
1. Child: “I want some potato chips.”
2. Mother: “Not right now.”
3. Child: “Why not?”
4. Mother: “Cause we’re eating dinner in ten minutes.”
5. Child: “Aw, come on. I never get anything.”
6. Mother: “You never get anything? Do you have clothes on? Am I making
dinner for you? Now don’t start bugging me when I’m busy. Go finish your
homework.”
7. Child: “You go finish my homework!”
8. Mother: “Don’t talk to me like that, young man. We’re eating in ten
minutes!”
9. Child: “I don’t want any of your stupid dinner!” Throws magazine across
kitchen.
10. “Listen here, buster...”
Statements 1-4 represent a fairly reasonable interchange. The child asks a
question and the parent gives an answer. The trouble starts with statement
5, “Aw, come on. I never get anything.” The impatient youngster is pushing
his parent with a straightforward piece of martyr-like badgering. But at
this point (1) the issue (chips before dinner) is still clear and (2) the
boy’s anger/frustration level is low.
The Real Issue Needs to be Clear
Unfortunately, Mom’s response (statement 6) is an unnecessarily complex
one that clearly compounds the problem. Statement 6 arises from the little
adult assumption in Mom’s brain: If I can just give the child the right
information, the problem will be solved. Unfortunately, however, Mom’s
complicated reply is now attempting to deal with three problems: the
child’s apparent view of himself as deprived, his badgering her about the
potato chips, and his homework. The confusion has begun! The first part of
statement 6 (arguments against the deprived child concept) is irrelevant;
the second part (“don’t bug me”) is the real problem, but the message is
buried in a verbal garbage heap; and the third part of statement 6
(homework) represents a weak parental attempt at distraction.
Emotional Aggravation Should be Kept to a Minimum
In addition to being confused, the child is now also
becoming increasingly aggravated by (1) not getting his way and (2) having
to listen to a parental lecture. As a result his motivation to cooperate
and leave his mother alone has evaporated. The boy is not neutral,
however: His irritation erupts in his smart aleck retort in statement 7,
“You go finish my homework!” This angry child is mounting a counterattack.
To make matters worse, Mom is also getting frustrated. Inside this parent,
emotional and cognitive regression are setting in, so instead of coming up
with an effective or more creative approach, she resorts to a spirited
power play (statement 8) that involves an instruction about disrespect
(“Don’t talk to me like that, young man”) as well as another try at the
little adult assumption (“We’re eating in ten minutes!”). This comment
serves to irritate her son further and he throws the magazine across the
kitchen. Where this battle will end, no one knows.
At any one moment of parent-child conflict, good discipline requires that
the real issue be kept clear and also that emotional aggravation be kept
to a minimum. Next month we’ll explain exactly how counting accomplishes
these two objectives.
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12
New 3RD Edition by Dr. Thomas Phelan
This best-selling program provides three simple steps to raising
well-behaved, happy, competent youngsters. Available in book, CD, VHS and
DVD formats. To learn more visit
www.parentmagic.com. |
